(For whatever reason, WordPress isn’t letting me add actual space between paragraphs. I’m just going to use a line to fix it until I figure it out)
Today I’m going to talk about a topic that’s been bothering me for some time now, however I’ve been too afraid to broach the subject for fear of repercussions and readers misinterpreting my message. After some events that happened between the subreddits r/BigBoobProblems and r/SmallBoobProblems, I’ve been inspired to open up about this. I won’t be providing links or screenshots of any of this because I’m not intending to stir up drama. I simply want to provide my viewpoint on something I’ve noticed when it comes to how women treat one another. I’m just going to say right now that some of the things I say in this post may come across as a little more harsh than you’re used to regarding body positive posts, but it’s something I think we all need to hear and understand.
Insulting someone else’s body will not make you happy with your own. It will not give you the attributes you desire. It will not make the person change to make you happy.
There. I said it.
Despite this being called the “body positive” community, I’ve seen so many examples of things that were the opposite of positive. It’s like people feel that they can’t bring another body type or bodily characteristic up without putting another down. For every article entitled, “13 Reasons Having Small Boobs Makes Life A Hell Of A Lot Easier“, there’s big breasted women reading it who feel bad about their bodies because of some of the language used, and the fact that this article will undoubtedly slut shame big breasted women and insult them for having big breasts. For every article entitled, “10 Reasons Big Boobs Are Awesome (And 10 Reasons They’re Not So Awesome)“, there’s small breasted women reading it who feel inadequate, worthless, childish, and prudish because this article will undoubtedly imply that small breasted women aren’t sexy and that men won’t want to be with them. Articles like this that claim to be “positive” only serve to drive a wedge between the groups of women reading them. It fosters a hostile environment where everyone secretly sits there hating one another becasue they feel like they don’t add up. It’s like high school, where you thought everyone hated each other but it turned out they were all just insecure with themselves and took it out on others.
This post was inspired by a post in SBP where a woman was feeling dissatisfied with having small breasts, and the entire time she displayed a deep hatred of women with large breasts. She called us whores, said she wanted to gouge our eyes out, and said that BBP only existed for us to brag about having large breasts. She said we didn’t have any real problems having big boobs because “big boobs are ideal”. Her insecurities stemmed from a large breasted girl that insulted her in high school for being less busty, and she held a grudge against all large breasted women because of it. The icing on the cake in this situation? She linked to this blog as an example of why BBP was a horrible place, because I “was proving that BBP is is just full of fat girls, and if we just worked out and lost weight our breasts would shrink and we wouldn’t be special”. Why is it okay to insult an entire group of women just because you were once insulted? If a fat girl makes fun of a thin girl, everyone pounces on her and says she’s skinny shaming. If a small breasted girl directly insults, threatens, and stereotypes large breasted women, people make excuses for it and say she’s hurt and lashing out. Neither of these things are okay.
I’m tired of this divide between women. No one body type or attribute is universally better than another. I’m tired of being made to feel guilty for not hating my body. If someone else isn’t satisfied with the way they look, that’s something they need to learn how to cope with without retaliating against other women. When I was in middle school, I’d say things about thin girls because I was hurt and envious that I wasn’t like them, and it made me feel even worse to be so hateful. I hate hearing other women makes comments like, “You shouldn’t be eating that!”, “Why don’t you go eat a cheeseburger!”, “You should get a breast reduction!’, “You should get breast implants!” and other hurtful things that only serve to make someone feel bad for not being aesthetically pleasing to the one insulting them.
The biggest problem with larger women insulting thinner women is that we’re making the assumption that they can’t also feel bad about their figures. Just because they’re thin doesn’t mean they can’t have parts of their body that they feel self conscious about. My favorite example of this is Keira Knightley. She was body shamed for being thin with small breasts, and her breasts were Photoshopped and contoured in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, but then she came out with her unapologetic topless photo shoot in which she showed us that she still loved her body despite being criticized. We as fat women get so wrapped up in our own insecurities that we forget that other women have those same feelings. Just because you might think they got “lucky” having a thin body, she could look at your breasts and butt and wish she was built more like you. You might think she’s thin and perfect, but she could be hurt inside because she hates the way she looks and nobody takes it seriously. We promote the message that everyone deserves to feel beautiful, but forget that everyone also has the right to complain about their figures from time to time. We don’t all feel beautiful every day even though we’d like to. When I’m on my period and I’m so bloated and emotional, I’m not going to feel beautiful or desirable. It’s okay to have a few things about your body that you don’t like. My stepmother is thin, and feels hurt and left behind when she hears things like, “Real women have curves”, because it makes her feel like her body is worthless and childish. All women are real women, and all women are beautiful.
This hostility doesn’t just happen with differing groups of women, it happens within the same group as well. The plus size community, while usually extremely warm and accepting, has a dark side that comes out occasionally. There’s a lot of pressure on plus sized women to all be very similar to one another. We’re supposed to be tall, extremely curvy and voluptous in the “right places”, between a size 14-18, and impeccably made up and well dressed. Lane Bryant models get criticized for being too small and “not representing the plus sized community”, and Tess Holliday gets criticized for being too large with no double chin and “not representing the plus sized community”. I’ve been guilty of this in the past, because I’ve been critical of Lane Bryant’s use of thinner plus sized models in their advertising (and their thin shaming #ImNoAngel campaign). Even though most of us don’t represent these models and they could stand to be more diverse, there are still plus sized women who look like this. Instead of removing these women entirely like some suggest, an easier solution would be to bring in a more diverse group of women who all represent Lane Bryant shoppers to make everyone feel welcome shopping there.
While our community claims to hate body policing, there’s a lot of it going on behind the scenes. Georgina Horne (FullerFigureFullerBust) recently lost some weight because she wanted to feel more confident at her wedding. People jumped on her for losing weight because “she’s supposed to be promoting body positivity but wants to change herself.” Georgina and Tess Holliday both receive a lot of hate for wearing corsets, because people are claiming it’s not body positive to make yourself appear smaller in images. VintageOrTacky also received criticism from other plus sized women for wearing a body hugging dress because she “should learn how to dress for her body”. It’s like you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t.
If we wear yoga pants and T shirts, we’re told that we’re “promoting the stereotype that fat girls are lazy”, but if we dress up, we’re told that we’re “setting an unattainable goal”. There’s no right way to be body positive per se, but there’s a lot of ways to body shame someone and hide behind a label. The veil of body positivity is lifted the second you critcize another woman’s body or choice of attire. Being body positive is more than just attaching a hashtag to your Instagram posts. It’s a lot more than posting pictures of yourself. It’s a way of thinking that permeates most aspects of social interaction between you and other women. If you use the hashtag #EffYourBeautyStandards, but then you make fun of a girl for “looking like a 12 year old boy”, you are being just as toxic as the people who tell you to “get on a treadmill” and “put down the cheeseburgers”.
I dream of a world where women won’t attack each other over their bodies and their appearances. I wish women could exist without feeling like they have a “pretty tax” to deserve their space on this planet. I hope that women can learn how to show displeasure in their own bodies without body shaming other women for not being like us. I’m tired of the constant pressure to be perfect in a community that’s built on respecting diversity. I’m exhausted at the women that claim to be body positive but poison the movement against thin women and make us all look mean and bitter. It’s absolutely unbearable to constantly worry about whether or not other people are going to take your confidence as a personal attack. Before you send a comment or message to someone on the internet, think about how you’d feel if someone said something similar to you.
Everyone is fucking beautiful in their own way. There is not one single “perfect woman” that will please every single person on this planet. Instead of worrying about how other people perceive your body, learn how to feel comfortable in your skin regardless of how your body looks. Who cares if you have stretch marks and cellulite? Who cares if you can’t fill out certain tops? Who cares if your boobs sag without a bra on? As long as you can accept your own body for all of it’s flaws, you’ll be unstoppable. It’s cliche, but confidence truly is the sexiest thing out there. Instead of focusing on your perceived flaws and obsessing over the small things, make a list of the things you love about yourself and hang it on your mirror or in your closet. For example, I absolutely hate my stomach at times. That doesn’t stop me from loving my legs and eyes. Instead of tearing other people to pieces, compliment somebody. It really does feel better to have a positive way of thinking instead of being negative and defeatist.
Disclaimer: Not all images used on this blog belong to me. All images that are not my own were pulled from Bing for illustrative purposes. If you are not happy with one of your images being used here, contact me at RollsAndCurvesEmail@gmail.com and I will remove it.